So, friendship jealousy. That's a thing. I mean, I figured it out a while ago, but now I keep having issues with it. How do I make myself more interesting? Do I really need to sacrifice something in the triangle of life in order to have the other two things? Life isn't fair. And it's a goddamn struggle.

The glamorous life

I really wish I lived in SF. I think it's not even a far-fetched possibility, since I am currently looking for a full-time job. And the things I'd like to do/places I'd like to visit in the city are definitely more practical for a post-graduation life. Nightlife at the California Academy of Sciences, free museum days, multi-day music festivals, and so many concerts. Blue Bottle Coffee, macarons from the ferry building, Tartine Bakery, Bi-Rite Creamery. This has quickly turned into a food-I-want-to-eat post. Working out who I'd live with and all of that would be an issue though. But maybe I can figure it out. Meanwhile, I need to get cracking on this research paper that's due tomorrow so I can write another lab report due the next day. My glamorous life!

I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

I worked harder. I knew how to work hard.

My body wouldn't react this way to stress. Especially since it's not worth it. I don't get the results I want anyway. I just want to have a normal life. What is normal. What is time. Why doesn't it slow down a bit?

I could convince myself to wake up early tomorrow. I know it's going to be late as usual. But I just need need need to be slightly more prepared than I feel. I feel inadequately prepared at the moment.

I hadn't just lost my train of thought.

That had ended differently. I don't like the quiet moments when regret creeps up on me. It makes me feel like I don't know how to interact with other people.

The words I said weren't so meaningless. That I hadn't rambled on in an effort to seem like someone I'm not. That I'd realized it sooner, before the tunnel vision.

I wouldn't remember things about myself and then say “God, I'm the worst.”

Cultural separation

On several occasions I find myself disappointed when I can't share my enthusiasm for certain things with my parents. The biggest example of this throughout my life is Harry Potter. I've noticed it with other things as well.

Today, my mother said she doesn't like to watch movies that aren't practical. "The story isn't very practical, is it?" I think she means realistic. And then, strangely enough, Mom and Dad went on about how new movies that are accurately portraying "real" India are not enjoyable, either. Are those movies not realistic? This confuses me.

Once, I spent a few days learning how to play Taylor Swift's "The Best Day" on my guitar, and I re-wrote the lyrics so they described my parents, sisters, and childhood experiences. I practiced and sang it for my mom on Mother's Day. She said it was nice, but she "felt like she couldn't enjoy it." And told me to learn some Hindi songs on my guitar for next time.

We ended today's conversation with my mother concluding that she just doesn't like new movies at all. And I concluded that it's okay. I just hope that I continue to enjoy the new things that I'm seeing each day, and I never become stuck in one genre, taste, or style. It's too much fun to immerse myself in all of these media. I think I would miss it.

Confusion: letting go // giving up

So today was the series 7 premiere of Doctor Who, and I was pretty excited, as one would expect. But I really disliked it. The episode had its moments, sure, but overall, the plot was terrible (a promising set-up in the trailers, but it didn't deliver), the acting was bad, the witty dialogues were few and far between, the new character was stereotypical (flirty, self-proclaimed genius that we're expected to fall in love with), I didn't feel a single emotional connection (I was more confused than moved by Amy & Rory's interaction), and it just left me feeling really, really sad about how much I had loved the previous seasons.

Everyone knows how much I love David Tennant. The writer/producer during his seasons was very character-focused, so it was easier to excuse the silliness of the monsters and appreciate the dialogues and character development. I enjoyed almost every episode in those years, despite the fact that they were considered to be less "mature," or I guess less geared to a mainstream audience. 

And the thing is that Matt Smith's first two seasons were not terrible. I really liked series 5, and several episodes from series 6 were amazing ("The Doctor's Wife," "The Girl Who Waited"). However, with my declining appreciation for the show in the last two seasons, I guess I was expecting to be underwhelmed this time? So the expectation sort of fulfilled itself.

And the sadness I was feeling all day sort of dissolved into anger after a while. It's strange, because it's usually the other way around. I read a few critiques of the episode (which I agreed with, for the most part). And I guess I finally understand the extent to which some people will confusedly continue to follow something they are almost scared to let go of, and to which others will go to shoot those people down.

Lestrade, Mr. Weasley and Filch next week, however! I’ll watch just for their faces. And I’m actually somewhat looking forward to “The Angels Take Manhattan” because of New York City, but once the Ponds leave, I’m out.

Spaced

Lonely vs. alone: I'm usually good with the latter; I don't know why I'm feeling the former.

Re: Life
I don't want to talk about it.

Good things:

1. figuring out why I bother making videos
2. keeping that secret to myself
3. summer escape plans

I've reverted back to my unhealthy habits. Or rather, I've created some habits that had never existed before. Time to start the pantry cleanse.

Shambles = my hair at the moment.

Send me Europe, please.

---

My laptop is about to give up on me.

Serial

Quite often, when I come home for a break, I find that my life resembles the Hindi serial dramas my mother watches on Indian television. All of the essential elements come into play. Status, ego, misunderstandings, disrespect, fear, embarrassment, annoyance, overreactions. Even a thematic soundtrack may be playing in the background. Most certainly, there is never a proper solution to the metaphorical villains that wreak havoc on our lives. They just continue to pop up in new ways every so often. And then there are these moments of pure joy, such as special episodes in which the main characters are getting married. But something always threatens to ruin their happiness, and the saga continues.


Last film watched: Iron Man
Currently reading: Life of Pi Yann Martel