I am ALT of CTRL

This morning I dreamt that I was driving down a highway and the car was completely out of my control. It was dusk, and then nighttime. My point of view kept changing. I couldn’t see the road. I was sitting in the backseat, and somehow I was pressing the pedal. Then I was in the passenger seat. The car stopped abruptly, and the car behind me honked and drove around me. Miraculously, no one ran into me and I never flew off of a cliff or anything. At one point I saw my car exiting the highway, driving up onto a bridge. And then I couldn’t see it anymore. But I was still driving it! And the one time I glanced to see the speedometer I was going upwards of 100 mph. It was like an out-of-body experience. I was never really even sure that I was the one driving, but it felt very real. And it was terrifying. I woke up drenched in sweat at 6:48am. I still remember because my phone had fallen off of the bed and I had to get out of bed to pick it up.

I'm attributing this dream to my overall lack of control over everything that is going on right now. I usually don't have this many assignments for my courses, and I'm so used to planning every little detail out before I set out to complete a task. In my Microbiology lab for example, it has become clear to me that I can't stand there and ponder my next move for too long or I will run out of time to finish that day's experiments. So I have to just impulsively move on to the next thing. I guess I'll try for more spontaneity, as oxymoronic as that sounds.

Congratulations, nerds!

I made it through the week! So now I can get back into the world of studying (that thing I sometimes do when I'm not dancing and singing).

Somewhat irrelevant .gif, but I don't really care.

Marching On

It's a sad realization that I'm not as invested in things as I used to be. This is a bit vague, but I'm just feeling really apathetic about most things nowadays. And it's not the best solution, but I guess I have to continue as if nothing has changed. I hope this is just an effect of stress and tiredness because I like caring.

BALIA

I've been cheating a bit, uploading these blog posts whenever I get time. So in the ways of other more seasoned BEDA-ers, I am now going to be blogging a lot in April. Yes, good.

So today was the start of an entire week's worth of downpour. I was getting late for class and threw caution to the wind (literally) so I didn't take a jacket or wear rainboots. Not the smartest decision. Now I have to leave for three hours of rehearsal, and I still don't feel like donning rain gear. Struggs, man.

This is turning into "Complain a lot in April."

Last film watched: New Year's Eve

Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

Bleary-eyed and glad today is over. Frustration and exhaustion don't even cover it. So here, have these words that somehow describe my feelings perfectly at the moment.

the bends

n. frustration that you’re not enjoying an experience as much as you should, even something you’ve worked for years to attain, which prompts you to plug in various thought combinations to try for anything more than static emotional blankness, as if your heart had been accidentally demagnetized by a surge of expectations

anthrodynia

n. a state of exhaustion with how shitty people can be to each other, typically causing a countervailing sense of affection for things that are sincere but not judgmental, are unabashedly joyful, or just are.

I will be finishing this week

I will wake up early and buy groceries at 8am tomorrow. Somehow I will stay on campus from 12 noon until 11pm and I will not allow myself to starve. I think I've lost weight in the last week because I've been working out and/or dancing every day and I've been forgetting to feed myself. I will finish the vegetables in my fridge. I will get through two singing and dance performances, a quiz and six hours of lab. I'm motivated! Or something.

Lazy everyday?

Yeah, it's that time of the quarter where I just don't feel like doing anything. Lounging around and watching YouTube videos is the most appealing thing. I've been trying to complete this online quiz for one of my classes for the last six hours and I keep getting distracted. But I think I'm developing abs from excessive bouts of laughter this week.

Lazy Friday

So glad I don't have class today. I woke up late, but I still feel so tired. I'm really tempted to spend the entire day catching up on my television shows. I haven't watched anything in over a week. And I want to start reading another book. But I must go run some errands and such, which means I need to change out of my pajamas eventually.

Anxiety

Butterflies in my stomach all day today. I don't even know what else to say. This has been a post.

Phone-less

As I was leaving for class today, I suddenly realized I didn't have the correct type of scantron for my Microbiology quiz. And I thought I wouldn't have time to buy one because I had a Shakespeare seminar right before that class. In a crazed moment, I actually considered dropping the seminar just so I could buy scantrons.

And during that frenzy I forgot to take my cell phone to campus. So I had to run around to various buildings looking for clocks and look over people's shoulders to check the time in between classes. Then I started using my other senses (i.e. watching for people coming out of classes, listening to the clock ring every half hour) and it was actually kind of nice not to rely on technology for some time.

But I should really get a watch.

I'm so bad at this! Live!*

This blog post was originally meant to be a video, but since this blog is kind of an accompaniment to my YouTube channel, I'll talk about it here:


I've been a "professional" viewer of the YouTubes since December 2009, when I watched my first vlogbrothers video.

Since then, I've discovered so many different youtubers that I love to watch, and until recently, I'd been keeping a mental checklist of all of the potential videos I'd like to make once I finally got my own channel.

A few of the videos I've made so far have been video responses, and there are so many more that I'd still like to do. Is it weird that I want to respond to videos that were made over two years ago?

I want to be a vlogger, a BookTuber, a beauty/fashion guru; I want to talk about my favorite recipes, science, mythology, movies, everything. I may want to sing a song one day.

So.. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you can expect a lot of varied types of videos, because I don't know what type of YouTuber I am yet, and I don't know if I'll ever really pick a category. This is pretty much going to be a representation of everything I enjoy.

Since I'm still figuring out what to do on this channel, I'd really appreciate it if you all could leave me some feedback or suggestions, either in comments here, on the videos, or on Facebook. That would be brilliant. Thanks for watching! ...whatever this is.

*in case anyone was wondering, the title is a reference to Hank Green's album of the same name. Yup.

A not-so-great day that ended well

1st day of the quarter highlights:

• worked out at the ARC
• my MIC professor looks like Matt Damon (you may not agree, but I can't unsee it now)
• I finally started using my planner to write down assignments, since I'm going to have a lot of busywork this quarter
• afternoon iced coffee
• plenty of quotable moments from dinner
• really good cake and lots of laughs

BEDApril

Lately I've realized that some of the things I want to say are best conveyed in writing. There's something particularly satisfying about writing out your thoughts and then seeing them there in front of you. It's something I can't quite get from making videos.

Every time I try to plan a new video, the plan turns into a full-fledged script, so I get overwhelmed and just end up scrapping the video idea altogether. But I still want to get my thoughts out there.

Ideally, I'd want to talk to someone about all of the things I enjoy. But I can't always find someone to discuss those things with. And my writing is usually somewhat conversational in style, so here's place for me to store some of my thoughts. Hopefully they'll be interesting.

last book read: The Book Thief Marcus Zusak
last film watched: Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu
videos posted in 2012: 5