Sunday, September 2, 2012

Confusion: letting go // giving up


So today was the series 7 premiere of Doctor Who, and I was pretty excited, as one would expect. But I really disliked it. The episode had its moments, sure, but overall, the plot was terrible (a promising set-up in the trailers, but it didn't deliver), the acting was bad, the witty dialogues were few and far between, the new character was stereotypical (flirty, self-proclaimed genius that we're expected to fall in love with), I didn't feel a single emotional connection (I was more confused than moved by Amy & Rory's interaction), and it just left me feeling really, really sad about how much I had loved the previous seasons.

Everyone knows how much I love David Tennant. The writer/producer during his seasons was very character-focused, so it was easier to excuse the silliness of the monsters and appreciate the dialogues and character development. I enjoyed almost every episode in those years, despite the fact that they were considered to be less "mature," or I guess less geared to a mainstream audience. 


And the thing is that Matt Smith's first two seasons were not terrible. I really liked series 5, and several episodes from series 6 were amazing ("The Doctor's Wife," "The Girl Who Waited"). However, with my declining appreciation for the show in the last two seasons, I guess I was expecting to be underwhelmed this time? So the expectation sort of fulfilled itself.

And the sadness I was feeling all day sort of dissolved into anger after a while. It's strange, because it's usually the other way around. I read a few critiques of the episode (which I agreed with, for the most part). And I guess I finally understand the extent to which some people will confusedly continue to follow something they are almost scared to let go of, and to which others will go to shoot those people down.

Lestrade, Mr. Weasley and Filch next week, however! I’ll watch just for their faces. And I’m actually somewhat looking forward to “The Angels Take Manhattan” because of New York City, but once the Ponds leave, I’m out.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Spaced

Lonely vs. alone: I'm usually good with the latter; I don't know why I'm feeling the former.

Re: Life
I don't want to talk about it.

Good things:
  1. figuring out why I bother making videos
  2. keeping that secret to myself
  3. summer escape plans
I've reverted back to my unhealthy habits. Or rather, I've created some habits that had never existed before. Time to start the pantry cleanse.

Shambles = my hair at the moment.

Send me Europe, please.

---

My laptop is about to give up on me.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Serial

Quite often, when I come home for a break, I find that my life resembles the Hindi serial dramas my mother watches on Indian television. All of the essential elements come into play. Status, ego, misunderstandings, disrespect, fear, embarrassment, annoyance, overreactions. Even a thematic soundtrack may be playing in the background. Most certainly, there is never a proper solution to the metaphorical villains that wreak havoc on our lives. They just continue to pop up in new ways every so often. And then there are these moments of pure joy, such as special episodes in which the main characters are getting married. But something always threatens to ruin their happiness, and the saga continues.


Last film watched: Iron Man
Currently reading: Life of Pi Yann Martel

Saturday, May 19, 2012

TEDx

I attended a TEDx event today on my university campus, and I not-so-cleverly decided not to take a pen with me, so I couldn't take notes during the various lectures. However, as I was listening to the speakers, I thought of phrases/quotations from my personal "world" that could resonate with the themes discussed today.

"People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually -- from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint -- it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey... stuff." - The Tenth Doctor, Doctor Who, Blink

A bunch of quotes from Paper Towns by John Green on
imagination (re: Michael Saler - History and Imaginary Worlds)
and imagining others complexly (re: Chimamanda Adichie - The Danger of a Single Story)

"If you don't imagine, nothing ever happens at all."
“It is easy to forget how full the world is of people, full to bursting, and each of them imaginable and consistently misimagined.”
and
"Isn't it also that on some fundamental level we find it difficult to understand that other people are human beings in the same way that we are?"

Oh, and I'm so glad that more people were exposed to the wonderfulness and pure awesome that is Ze Frank, even if it was through a video and not in-real-life.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Saturated

  • Jacob: I just feel weird.
  • Anna: Why do you feel weird?
  • Jacob: I just feel kind of...
  • Anna: You feel weird? I hate it when you say you feel weird.


Relationships are taxing. Lovely when right but so costly. Not just romantic, but any sort of relationship. Friendly, collaborative, familial, casual, strange, formal, familiar, personal. A relationship with music, film, books. Mood-effectors. It’s impossible not to be involved in some way, shape or form.

I just watched Like Crazy, and it was a gorgeous film, but I’ve been indulging myself in some strange addiction to thinking, reading, watching too many things. So much input; I’m starting to feel saturated with feelings.

I can’t always relate to the characters in the books I’ve read nor in the films I’ve watched. But while I’m watching them I do feel a need to connect. And I want to make things happen in my life so I can start to relate more. But then I step back and see how much I’m experiencing with the relationships I’m in and I don’t think I can handle anything else. I just really need a break from all of these thoughts.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Books

I've been reading way too much recently. It's not the worst way to spend my time, but when I should really be studying it seems like a bad idea. Especially since I'm on my sixth book in six days. Um. I have a midterm in two days, a ton of work for lab, and an endless number of tasks on my to-do list. But it's too easy to just pick up where I've left off in whatever book I'm reading, and the feeling of finishing a book is far more satisfying than the seemingly infinite stress of studying for an exam.

What I've read recently:
Anthem Ayn Rand ***
Sold Patricia McCormick ***
The Lover's Dictionary David Levithan ****
The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight Jennifer E. Smith **
Wither Lauren DeStefano **.5

and I'm currently reading Why We Broke Up by Daniel Handler, and I'm really liking it so far.




“If you are a student you should always get a good nights sleep unless you have come to the good part of your book, and then you should stay up all night and let your schoolwork fall by the wayside, a phrase which means 'flunk'.” - Lemony Snicket


Last film watched: X-Men: First Class

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I am ALT of CTRL

This morning I dreamt that I was driving down a highway and the car was completely out of my control. It was dusk, and then nighttime. My point of view kept changing. I couldn’t see the road. I was sitting in the backseat, and somehow I was pressing the pedal. Then I was in the passenger seat. The car stopped abruptly, and the car behind me honked and drove around me. Miraculously, no one ran into me and I never flew off of a cliff or anything. At one point I saw my car exiting the highway, driving up onto a bridge. And then I couldn’t see it anymore. But I was still driving it! And the one time I glanced to see the speedometer I was going upwards of 100 mph. It was like an out-of-body experience. I was never really even sure that I was the one driving, but it felt very real. And it was terrifying. I woke up drenched in sweat at 6:48am. I still remember because my phone had fallen off of the bed and I had to get out of bed to pick it up.

I'm attributing this dream to my overall lack of control over everything that is going on right now. I usually don't have this many assignments for my courses, and I'm so used to planning every little detail out before I set out to complete a task. In my Microbiology lab for example, it has become clear to me that I can't stand there and ponder my next move for too long or I will run out of time to finish that day's experiments. So I have to just impulsively move on to the next thing. I guess I'll try for more spontaneity, as oxymoronic as that sounds.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Congratulations, nerds!

I made it through the week! So now I can get back into the world of studying (that thing I sometimes do when I'm not dancing and singing).



Somewhat irrelevant .gif, but I don't really care.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Marching On

It's a sad realization that I'm not as invested in things as I used to be. This is a bit vague, but I'm just feeling really apathetic about most things nowadays. And it's not the best solution, but I guess I have to continue as if nothing has changed. I hope this is just an effect of stress and tiredness because I like caring.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

BALIA

I've been cheating a bit, uploading these blog posts whenever I get time. So in the ways of other more seasoned BEDA-ers, I am now going to be blogging a lot in April. Yes, good.

So today was the start of an entire week's worth of downpour. I was getting late for class and threw caution to the wind (literally) so I didn't take a jacket or wear rainboots. Not the smartest decision. Now I have to leave for three hours of rehearsal, and I still don't feel like donning rain gear. Struggs, man.

This is turning into "Complain a lot in April."

Last film watched: New Year's Eve

Monday, April 9, 2012

Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

Bleary-eyed and glad today is over. Frustration and exhaustion don't even cover it. So here, have these words that somehow describe my feelings perfectly at the moment.


the bends

n. frustration that you’re not enjoying an experience as much as you should, even something you’ve worked for years to attain, which prompts you to plug in various thought combinations to try for anything more than static emotional blankness, as if your heart had been accidentally demagnetized by a surge of expectations

anthrodynia

n. a state of exhaustion with how shitty people can be to each other, typically causing a countervailing sense of affection for things that are sincere but not judgmental, are unabashedly joyful, or just are.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

I will be finishing this week

I will wake up early and buy groceries at 8am tomorrow. Somehow I will stay on campus from 12 noon until 11pm and I will not allow myself to starve. I think I've lost weight in the last week because I've been working out and/or dancing every day and I've been forgetting to feed myself. I will finish the vegetables in my fridge. I will get through two singing and dance performances, a quiz and six hours of lab. I'm motivated! Or something.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Lazy everyday?

Yeah, it's that time of the quarter where I just don't feel like doing anything. Lounging around and watching YouTube videos is the most appealing thing. I've been trying to complete this online quiz for one of my classes for the last six hours and I keep getting distracted. But I think I'm developing abs from excessive bouts of laughter this week.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Lazy Friday

So glad I don't have class today. I woke up late, but I still feel so tired. I'm really tempted to spend the entire day catching up on my television shows. I haven't watched anything in over a week. And I want to start reading another book. But I must go run some errands and such, which means I need to change out of my pajamas eventually.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Anxiety

Butterflies in my stomach all day today. I don't even know what else to say. This has been a post.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Phone-less

As I was leaving for class today, I suddenly realized I didn't have the correct type of scantron for my Microbiology quiz. And I thought I wouldn't have time to buy one because I had a Shakespeare seminar right before that class. In a crazed moment, I actually considered dropping the seminar just so I could buy scantrons.

And during that frenzy I forgot to take my cell phone to campus. So I had to run around to various buildings looking for clocks and look over people's shoulders to check the time in between classes. Then I started using my other senses (i.e. watching for people coming out of classes, listening to the clock ring every half hour) and it was actually kind of nice not to rely on technology for some time.

But I should really get a watch.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I'm so bad at this! Live!*

This blog post was originally meant to be a video, but since this blog is kind of an accompaniment to my YouTube channel, I'll talk about it here:


I've been a "professional" viewer of the YouTubes since December 2009, when I watched my first vlogbrothers video.

Since then, I've discovered so many different youtubers that I love to watch, and until recently, I'd been keeping a mental checklist of all of the potential videos I'd like to make once I finally got my own channel.

A few of the videos I've made so far have been video responses, and there are so many more that I'd still like to do. Is it weird that I want to respond to videos that were made over two years ago?

I want to be a vlogger, a BookTuber, a beauty/fashion guru; I want to talk about my favorite recipes, science, mythology, movies, everything. I may want to sing a song one day.

So.. I guess what I'm trying to say is, you can expect a lot of varied types of videos, because I don't know what type of YouTuber I am yet, and I don't know if I'll ever really pick a category. This is pretty much going to be a representation of everything I enjoy.

Since I'm still figuring out what to do on this channel, I'd really appreciate it if you all could leave me some feedback or suggestions, either in comments here, on the videos, or on Facebook. That would be brilliant. Thanks for watching! ...whatever this is.

*in case anyone was wondering, the title is a reference to Hank Green's album of the same name. Yup.

Monday, April 2, 2012

A not-so-great day that ended well

1st day of the quarter highlights:

  • worked out at the ARC
  • my MIC professor looks like Matt Damon (you may not agree, but I can't unsee it now)
  • I finally started using my planner to write down assignments, since I'm going to have a lot of busywork this quarter
  • afternoon iced coffee
  • plenty of quotable moments from dinner
  • really good cake and lots of laughs

Sunday, April 1, 2012

BEDApril


Lately I've realized that some of the things I want to say are best conveyed in writing. There's something particularly satisfying about writing out your thoughts and then seeing them there in front of you. It's something I can't quite get from making videos.

Every time I try to plan a new video, the plan turns into a full-fledged script, so I get overwhelmed and just end up scrapping the video idea altogether. But I still want to get my thoughts out there.

Ideally, I'd want to talk to someone about all of the things I enjoy. But I can't always find someone to discuss those things with. And my writing is usually somewhat conversational in style, so here's place for me to store some of my thoughts. Hopefully they'll be interesting.

last book read: The Book Thief Marcus Zusak
last film watched: Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu
videos posted in 2012: 5

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Here are some feelings

After countless cups of hot water flavored weakly with lemon, I’m finally feeling only slightly rehydrated. This is a terrible feeling. I want to make the egg drop soup I had promised myself this morning, when I caved and ate the excessively salty soup I bought from Trader Joe’s. And it wasn’t even good. Fresh ingredients, people! Onward to the kitchen, she hobbles.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

You are what you eat

I feel really shitty. I don’t want to say anything in particular because I know that admitting it will just make it true, and I can’t handle it because I’m a non-confronter of these sorts of issues.
Right, so I could either sleep now and hope for better feelings in the morning, or I could continue reading The Fault in Our Stars which I’ve only just started, because I was sort of putting it off in order for it to last as long as possible. However, I’m extremely anxious to read it and I want to form my own thoughts about it, so I’m just going to get on with it now.
But if I stay awake, I’m going to need reinforcements. Like, Ritz crackers and Gouda cheese. And maybe some tomato soup. Last night I ate, like, complete garbage after treating my body so well all day. So much sugar, salt, fat. No wonder I felt like shit all day.