Currently listening

One twenty-eight am. The green light.

Hey.

How's it going?

Okay, I want to tell you something.

I barely got to know you, but I liked you.

I don't know if you knew that? And I don't think I necessarily made it apparent at all.

It doesn't matter now, I just wanted to tell you. I'm literally not expecting anything out of this conversation.

When I -- -- --, I wasn't really -- --. I just needed an excuse to ask you to hang out.

And it was admittedly pretty disappointing that, one, I thought that was the only acceptable way for me to ask, and two, you didn't seem interested. But I don't blame you, because it was pretty pathetic.

As you've probably noticed, I have a hard time opening up to large groups of people. I mean, you have nothing to compare it to, but my behavior is completely different in smaller gatherings. [sentence redacted]

That's why I wanted to get to know you outside of those situations.

If -- -- -- -- -- --, I might have asked you out properly. [sent. red.] The best thing would have been to be clear. But too many people were in on it, and everyone was saying no. Of course, it's easy for me to blame other people. If I really wanted to tell you, they wouldn't have stopped me.

[paragraph red.]

We're just similar yet different enough to work, I think. We like a lot of the same music, tv shows, etc. We're both introverts. You're kind of spastic, and I'm pretty mellow. We'd balance each other out.

LUSH

I was actually first introduced to the mystical LUSH by a friend who gifted me one of their bath bombs years ago. When I finally used it last year, it was the promised bath bomb experience with color-changing, fizzy happiness.

For a while now, I've been using a homemade sugar & olive oil shower scrub, but I was itching (ha) to try one of the many offerings by LUSH. I chose Rub Rub Rub because, well, it seemed to be the most economical choice. I was so excited to use it that I actually dreamt about it the night before.

I also picked up the Jumping Juniper solid shampoo bar, which is supposed to balance out my oily scalp. And the girl who was helping me was nice enough to provide me with a couple of samples. Last time I got a sample of the Cosmetic Warrior fresh face mask, which has quite a potent garlic smell, but did wonders for my acne-prone skin. I asked for another sample this time--I'm still undecided on whether I want to buy the full size. I don't know if I'd be able to use the jar fast enough, especially since it contains eggs and fresh grapes.

I also wanted to try the Cupcake fresh face mask because--mint & chocolate. I mean, I had to. The Dark Angels face cleanser is a bit messy, but it really makes a difference in keeping my skin from getting super oily. And as I was checking out, the saleslady included a sample of the Volcano Foot Mask, which will be interesting to try after a long day.

Perhaps one day I will be able to stock my entire bathroom with LUSH products, but until then, one full jar and several sample sizes will have to suffice.

So, friendship jealousy. That's a thing. I mean, I figured it out a while ago, but now I keep having issues with it. How do I make myself more interesting? Do I really need to sacrifice something in the triangle of life in order to have the other two things? Life isn't fair. And it's a goddamn struggle.

The glamorous life

I really wish I lived in SF. I think it's not even a far-fetched possibility, since I am currently looking for a full-time job. And the things I'd like to do/places I'd like to visit in the city are definitely more practical for a post-graduation life. Nightlife at the California Academy of Sciences, free museum days, multi-day music festivals, and so many concerts. Blue Bottle Coffee, macarons from the ferry building, Tartine Bakery, Bi-Rite Creamery. This has quickly turned into a food-I-want-to-eat post. Working out who I'd live with and all of that would be an issue though. But maybe I can figure it out. Meanwhile, I need to get cracking on this research paper that's due tomorrow so I can write another lab report due the next day. My glamorous life!

I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

I worked harder. I knew how to work hard.

My body wouldn't react this way to stress. Especially since it's not worth it. I don't get the results I want anyway. I just want to have a normal life. What is normal. What is time. Why doesn't it slow down a bit?

I could convince myself to wake up early tomorrow. I know it's going to be late as usual. But I just need need need to be slightly more prepared than I feel. I feel inadequately prepared at the moment.

I hadn't just lost my train of thought.

That had ended differently. I don't like the quiet moments when regret creeps up on me. It makes me feel like I don't know how to interact with other people.

The words I said weren't so meaningless. That I hadn't rambled on in an effort to seem like someone I'm not. That I'd realized it sooner, before the tunnel vision.

I wouldn't remember things about myself and then say “God, I'm the worst.”

Cultural separation

On several occasions I find myself disappointed when I can't share my enthusiasm for certain things with my parents. The biggest example of this throughout my life is Harry Potter. I've noticed it with other things as well.

Today, my mother said she doesn't like to watch movies that aren't practical. "The story isn't very practical, is it?" I think she means realistic. And then, strangely enough, Mom and Dad went on about how new movies that are accurately portraying "real" India are not enjoyable, either. Are those movies not realistic? This confuses me.

Once, I spent a few days learning how to play Taylor Swift's "The Best Day" on my guitar, and I re-wrote the lyrics so they described my parents, sisters, and childhood experiences. I practiced and sang it for my mom on Mother's Day. She said it was nice, but she "felt like she couldn't enjoy it." And told me to learn some Hindi songs on my guitar for next time.

We ended today's conversation with my mother concluding that she just doesn't like new movies at all. And I concluded that it's okay. I just hope that I continue to enjoy the new things that I'm seeing each day, and I never become stuck in one genre, taste, or style. It's too much fun to immerse myself in all of these media. I think I would miss it.