I am ALT of CTRL

This morning I dreamt that I was driving down a highway and the car was completely out of my control. It was dusk, and then nighttime. My point of view kept changing. I couldn’t see the road. I was sitting in the backseat, and somehow I was pressing the pedal. Then I was in the passenger seat. The car stopped abruptly, and the car behind me honked and drove around me. Miraculously, no one ran into me and I never flew off of a cliff or anything. At one point I saw my car exiting the highway, driving up onto a bridge. And then I couldn’t see it anymore. But I was still driving it! And the one time I glanced to see the speedometer I was going upwards of 100 mph. It was like an out-of-body experience. I was never really even sure that I was the one driving, but it felt very real. And it was terrifying. I woke up drenched in sweat at 6:48am. I still remember because my phone had fallen off of the bed and I had to get out of bed to pick it up.

I'm attributing this dream to my overall lack of control over everything that is going on right now. I usually don't have this many assignments for my courses, and I'm so used to planning every little detail out before I set out to complete a task. In my Microbiology lab for example, it has become clear to me that I can't stand there and ponder my next move for too long or I will run out of time to finish that day's experiments. So I have to just impulsively move on to the next thing. I guess I'll try for more spontaneity, as oxymoronic as that sounds.

Congratulations, nerds!

I made it through the week! So now I can get back into the world of studying (that thing I sometimes do when I'm not dancing and singing).

Somewhat irrelevant .gif, but I don't really care.

Marching On

It's a sad realization that I'm not as invested in things as I used to be. This is a bit vague, but I'm just feeling really apathetic about most things nowadays. And it's not the best solution, but I guess I have to continue as if nothing has changed. I hope this is just an effect of stress and tiredness because I like caring.

BALIA

I've been cheating a bit, uploading these blog posts whenever I get time. So in the ways of other more seasoned BEDA-ers, I am now going to be blogging a lot in April. Yes, good.

So today was the start of an entire week's worth of downpour. I was getting late for class and threw caution to the wind (literally) so I didn't take a jacket or wear rainboots. Not the smartest decision. Now I have to leave for three hours of rehearsal, and I still don't feel like donning rain gear. Struggs, man.

This is turning into "Complain a lot in April."

Last film watched: New Year's Eve

Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

Bleary-eyed and glad today is over. Frustration and exhaustion don't even cover it. So here, have these words that somehow describe my feelings perfectly at the moment.

the bends

n. frustration that you’re not enjoying an experience as much as you should, even something you’ve worked for years to attain, which prompts you to plug in various thought combinations to try for anything more than static emotional blankness, as if your heart had been accidentally demagnetized by a surge of expectations

anthrodynia

n. a state of exhaustion with how shitty people can be to each other, typically causing a countervailing sense of affection for things that are sincere but not judgmental, are unabashedly joyful, or just are.

I will be finishing this week

I will wake up early and buy groceries at 8am tomorrow. Somehow I will stay on campus from 12 noon until 11pm and I will not allow myself to starve. I think I've lost weight in the last week because I've been working out and/or dancing every day and I've been forgetting to feed myself. I will finish the vegetables in my fridge. I will get through two singing and dance performances, a quiz and six hours of lab. I'm motivated! Or something.

Lazy everyday?

Yeah, it's that time of the quarter where I just don't feel like doing anything. Lounging around and watching YouTube videos is the most appealing thing. I've been trying to complete this online quiz for one of my classes for the last six hours and I keep getting distracted. But I think I'm developing abs from excessive bouts of laughter this week.